Trust was not something I afforded many people in my first 46 years of life. It had been taken from me, through my parent’s divorce, and I built a nearly impenetrable wall of defense. However, this wall would keep me captive and would become the self sabotage of all my relationships and connections.
What I thought for so long was my ultimate defense really had turned in to self sabotage in most relationships I would try to develop. I would not ever let another person completely into my inner being. We could never really connect, never share the intimacy of our souls. The walls that were to protect me were only slowly killing me from the inside out.
I would hurt them before they could hurt me.
As my life progressed, and I gained what I thought was wisdom, I began to master the art of self sabotage. Not only were people kept at arms length, when I felt myself opening up and becoming close with someone I would find ways to diffuse the connection. I would hurt them before they could hurt me.
This lead me to two failed marriages and a daily dependence on alcohol. The one thing I wanted the most, a real connection, a relationship, I did everything in my power to squash. It became a cycle of maddening proportions. All I fought to find, I fought even harder to kill.
4 Nuggets of Wisdom
As I have continued to heal through my five plus years of recovery I have been able to gain a few nuggets of wisdom along the way.
- The ability to develop and maintain strong and healthy relationships are key to lasting recovery.
- Once we can connect with ourselves and others we will begin to find our purpose.
- Fulfilling relationships are more about giving and far less about taking.
- It’s not about me! When I remember that, I have no need to self sabotage.
At times I can still find myself slipping into modes of self sabotage. Checking out of relationships for a bit, disconnection from myself, not even attempting to develop relationships when I know I should. The good thing today is that I am aware of my behavior. I know how to evaluate myself and remember that which I am beginning to run from is what I need to run to.
I am reminded, it isn’t about me.
Keeping myself isolated, not reaching out, helping others yet failing to help myself….are all just forms of self sabotage. So I am reminded, it isn’t about me. So bring on strong connections, bring on intimate relationships. They are the key that brings freedom from my walls of captivity. No more self sabotage.