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Becoming A Warrior On Purpose

I always had felt there was a significant purpose for my life. A cause that I was to champion. For most of my life that purpose eluded me. I never could quite find what I was searching for. Why was I really here? I tried searching everywhere, everyone, everything and still I would feel a void inside. There was a black hole inside me that was swallowing me. Drowning me in a sea of self-pity and lack of self-worth. Blinded with guilt and shame I never could see what was really my true reflection in the mirror.

What was missing was my own self-worth.

I began a life that would seem a fairy tale.  I had been a success on the soccer pitch. I was beginning a family and a promising career in education. I seemingly had it all. But there was a gaping hole in me. One that I did not see nor could anyone else. It left me with a sense there was more. What was it that I was missing? My marriage and family were great. My teaching and coaching career started brilliantly. Why did I not feel satisfied? My wife, my kids, and my job were all fantastic. It was me. I was not satisfied with myself. What was missing was my own self-worth.

I will never forget the words that were to follow.

I continued on playing my role in the fairy tale with a lack luster performance. My lack of self-worth hid in increasing darkness my true purpose. In 2000, my years of always seeking more led me and my first wife to a divorce. I had been emotionally and physically absent. She deserved my best and I was not giving that. It was on a Sunday evening that we had chosen to tell our two young sons the news. I came home from the soccer arena and they were upset at the news in their bedroom. I walked in to try my best and console them. To let them know it would all be ok. I will never forget the words that were to follow. My youngest son Brady, looked at me with tears pouring out his eyes, and said, “Daddy, please try harder!”. Words that have haunted me till this day.

My warriors of purpose

I would spend the next 14 years of my life trying to fill that void inside me. I would suck the life out of another marriage, chase the party, encounter more success and yet nothing worked. I grew to feel more and more empty with each passing year. In 2007, my daughter Kamdyn was born. Being separated in age from the others she quickly became the golden child. Finally, I had what I needed to satisfy me, I found my purpose. Or so I thought!

A father like me had no right to a purpose.

In 2009, I would go through another divorce. I was completely devastated. Separated from what I was sure was my reason for living. I began drinking more and more at that point. It was the way I chose to deal with the pain.  In just a few short years I had grown into a full-blown alcoholic. On Christmas Eve 2013, Kam and I were settling in for the night. Brady arrived to stay over and that was a perfect ruse for a get away. I asked Brady to watch Kam and told her that I was going out shopping for more presents. She reached out and put a death grip on my leg. Another child’s eyes in tears. Crying, “Daddy, please don’t go.”. I told her I would be back soon and I loved her. I again, turned my back and walked away. Away from my purpose in tears and to the bar. I had become an empty shell of self-pity and shame. I had no purpose. A father like me had no right to a purpose.

My purpose

I had failed miserably as a father. I had absolutely zero sense of self-worth. I was completely unaware that my purpose was soon to reveal itself to me. A purpose that was there all along. I simply had never had the faith to believe in it. A faith that would eliminate the self-pity, shame, and guilt that had blinded me. For me to get there I would need one more crushing blow that would bring me to my knees.

News that left me in pieces.

As I entered rehab in 2014 I was almost completely broken. I got news after I got there that my rights to see and contact my little girl had temporarily been removed. News that left me in pieces. I cried out, “How can I go on?”. I knew I had a choice to make. I could continue to escape into the booze and literally die. Or I could believe that I was indeed worthy of a life more than a prison of self-pity, guilt, and shame. That I too had a purpose.

I chose to believe that God had plans for me. I had finally came to see the light of my purpose at the end of my delusional tunnel. My faith that I mattered to God was my beginning. He began a transformation in me at that very moment. God was always there with my purpose in hand. He had waited patiently for me to finally have faith in it. In that moment I rose up from the ashes and became a Warrior on purpose.

Finding our purpose is more simple than we realize.

The last 2 years has brought me an abundance of personal growth. Through faith, action, and direction I have begun to fulfill my purpose. Something that seems so difficult to many of us. Finding our purpose is really more simple than we realize. We all have a purpose to serve and help others. To make the world around us a better place. We have been given gifts to perform our purpose. It is through your faith, action, and direction that you to can come to realize your specific purpose. I talk more about this in my post My Way Was The “High” Way. It may not be the purpose we fashion with our own self-will but it is a powerful purpose molded especially for you and your gifts.

I will never forget the words and tears of my children. I remember the path of destruction I have left behind me. But l  do not live in that prison of self-pity, shame, and guilt today. It is what I do with it today that matters. It reminds me to be a Warrior on purpose. There are days and nights, when alone, that as I reflect on my past I still feel the sadness and pain in the tears that roll down my cheeks. I do not ask, “How can I go on?”, anymore. That has been replaced with an emphatic, “HOW CAN I NOT!”.

 

6 Comments

  1. What a great article Kip. Thanks for sharing and know that it will help others relate to your experiences that you have had before your journey in recovery started.

    The Offenders that I share your articles with can relate to several of the things that you write about.

    Thanks
    Pat

    • Just glad that it helps someone. Keep on showing them the essence of a Warrior.

  2. Ed and Marci Shubert Ed and Marci Shubert

    We never gave up on you. We knew that God had a special plan for you. We prayed for you everyday that He would guide you to become the man that He wanted you to be. We are so proud of the son and father you are. May God continue to bless and guide you on this wonderful adventure He has planned for you. We love you very much.

    • Thanks. God didn’t make us for easy but for hard. Through everything we face He just prepares us for greater good and allows us to be a light for others going through the things we have gone through. I will continue to grow and learn and knowing that by grace and through faith I will fulfill all He has purposed me for. Thankful for the bible from Marci, still read it every single morning and it has become my inspiration and guide. Love you both.

      • What a great testimony from your parents Kip. You have reached out to the people that are in recovery through your articles that you share. Helping others is what keeps me sober and you have done that over and over. I’ve shared your articles with the Offenders and they can relate to each one. I’m grateful that I met you and for what you do for others.

        • Grateful for you as well. All of us working together, pulling on the same rope, in the same direction. That is what our purpose is. See you soon Pat.

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