There was only one way, my way, and that was the “high” way.
For the longest time I knew only one way. I drowned life in a bottle. Buzzed, Drunk, Hammered, Toasted….”High”, that was my way. Even when I knew there was another choice. A choice better for me. I still choose my way. It was a proven record of failure. But wait, this next binge might bring about a life changing revelation. Talk about insanity. The only different result I may get was life changing all right and that would be death. My way was the “high” way.
It would be a battle of wills.
So I found another way. Sobriety. My life changed in an instant when I cried out to God for help. You can read my story and how it was bringing me to my WHY! To get to my WHY, I faced a battle. It would be a battle of wills. My way or His way. I knew my way of alcohol was not the answer. However, I was a pro at running my own show. I had years of practice. That habit would prove hard to break. We can say, “Thy will not mine be done” time after time. But it takes putting faith into practice to bring ourselves into a new way of thinking.
It simply took a step of faith
So how did I come to find out my WHY? How did I come to understand my purpose? How did I find the answer to the, WHY AM I HERE, question? Not to disappoint but it was so very simple that I almost missed it. It simply took a step of faith. I had to believe that God loved me despite my past. I had to believe that I had a purpose. Boom, it was that easy. My WHY, was God and what he could do through me and my story. Now the hard part! It took me over a year into sobriety to figure out I had completely missed the boat. I had to learn to discern My will from God’s will. It took more mistakes. The forks in the road I would take would lead me back to my WHY.
I knew I had the call of God on my life. But I did not know the WHAT or the HOW. I wanted to know the whole plan so I could continue. That was my downfall. During my first year of sobriety I learned to finally love myself. I was happy and free in my own skin. I knew I had a story to share. I had come to realize love and what it really meant. I was sure I was now suppose to share that with someone who would love me the same. I was taking back control of the plan, that was my nature. I had the WHAT and HOW figured out. I did not know that I already had all I needed. God loved me the way I needed to be loved. God had the WHAT and the HOW. But, he let me make my decision, exercise my will, knowing that finally I would get to my real WHY.
A ladybug was the clincher I needed that God was truly speaking to me
I quit my teaching job in December 2014. I decided that moving to another city because of a relationship was God’s will. It was that someone that I needed to share love with as I fulfilled my purpose. I wanted it so badly that I saw God’s hand in everything. A ladybug on a school desk in winter, that being the animal sign for true love, was the clincher I needed that God was truly speaking to me. Talk about insanity. I still had not learned to get out of my own way. I was driving my life, God was once again relegated to the back seat. I was on my way to a happily ever after. My happily ever after would last 2 months. Quite comical now, but at the time it almost devastated me.
I moved again, this time back to my home town of Tulsa, OK. I had family there but nothing else. No job, no money, nothing but my hurt pride and ego. I was not destroyed because of lost love on a ladybug, I was destroyed because I had been so foolish and followed my own plan. It then hit me like a ton of bricks. I had little in way of material things but I had all I needed in my heart.
My way was now God’s way
I finally saw how simple it was. I only had to believe. Take a step of action in faith. That drives my WHY. I step out in faith to share God’s message and what He has done through me. In my story, in my actions, in my profession, in my daily life. The WHAT and the HOW are God’s concerns. I had all I needed all along. I just had to learn to get out of the drivers seat. That is what turning my life and will over to God meant. My way was now God’s way. It was so simple I almost missed it. All that was required of me was to go. Exodus 4:12. Go forward in faith and God will teach us what to say. We miss our WHY because we want to know the WHAT and the HOW.
It is a battle of wills. We either run the show or we let God. Sometimes we must learn from our mistakes along the way. I did. At times I still try and drive. I am quickly reminded of the outcome of that decision. I am learning and growing into what God has purposed me to be. As I sat at GUTS Church last Sunday I heard an incredible message from our Pastor, Bill Scheer. It was simply titled, WHY? It really summarized what I had been through and where I am going in life. Basically our WHY is a fight of FAITH. Listen to his message, WHY by Pastor Bill Scheer, it really impacted me.
When in doubt just return to STEP ONE
My name is Kip. Yes, I am an alcoholic. It is a condition I have but it is not who I am. I am a man with purpose. I have evolved through my recovery. Today I just GO! It is that simple. I go in FAITH. I have proven my track record and it is not good. God has proved His and it is flawless. Makes it an easy choice. So the first step in finding your WHY is to just take a step of faith. Through work, effort, consistency, and direction that WHY is refined. Leave the WHAT and the HOW to God. That is why HE is the master. You may loose your way, you may wonder what is my next step? Don’t make it complicated. When in doubt just return to STEP ONE. It really is that easy!