I thought I was passed hearing that voice in my head.
One of the blaring truths of my life is that I am an alcoholic. I am in recovery and I work a strong program to keep it that way. However, the fact remains that I suffer from alcoholism. There were many tips I was given to help me stay sober and one of the most important was to not get complacent. I talked about complacency in my last post Trap Game – Falling Down In Recovery. No matter who we are or how long we have been sober we still have a deceptive disease, alcoholism.
I just needed a break, from all of it!
This past week has been a tough week. The craziness of life and all its intricate ups and downs culminating into a whale of a weekend. It ended with a day that I just wanted to sit down, stop being this warrior on purpose, and just be invisible. I had just had enough. When was it my turn to be upset, even mad! Is that godly? I just wanted to drive off into the night and be left completely alone.
I thought I had silenced the voice of alcoholism forever.
As I sat there over thinking my life and purpose I did what many of us do, I let my selfish nature take over for a bit. How could others treat me so callously. Did they not understand who I am and where I have been? It is all about giving, I get it, but when was I going to get mine. Then I heard it, that voice in my head I used to hear. That voice that would speak to me when I was angry and feeling sorry for myself. My deceptive disease had something to say.
As I stewed in my own self pity, I heard “You should just go get hammered, that would show ’em”. “You know you are so strong in your program, what would one time hurt”. In somewhat amazement then bewilderment I just had to shake my head. There was not a cell in my body that wanted to take my disease up on that offer. But my lesson, again, came in the form of humility. No matter how much of a WARRIOR I think I have become, I must always be ready to fight.
I am only as strong as my words and action today.
I then begin to have feelings of inadequacy. How could I have let something that has been conquered in my life to have any type of hold on me? The reality of it is that my alcoholism does not have a hold on me in any way, as long as I have a hold on it. The urge to drink was cleansed from my heart and soul. But I do have a disease and at times it will try to deceive me. When I am angry, when I get lost in self, when I become complacent it will try to convince me that I am good and I can drink.
My strength is not my own and that I must remember.
So a sobering thought came to me. No matter how long I have been sober, no matter the warrior I am training to be, I am an alcoholic. My God has brought me healing, growth, and strength. I listen to His voice and the voice of another I do not follow. But the enemy, my addiction, will try to deceive me, lie to me. It wants nothing more than to see me fall and take that last first drink. But as long as I know from where my confidence and strength comes, my program will sustain me. I will only be deceived if I choose to let myself fall for the lie of my deceptive disease.